Getting on the same page with your partner
I have to admit right off the bat that the title of this post was meant to grab your attention so I could tell you something. I’m not even going to make you wait for it. I’m just going to tell you this straight up. You and your spouse will *almost* never be “on the same page” on most things in life. In fact, you’re probably not even reading the same book. Even if you were “reading the same book” you would read at different speeds and take different meanings from what you read.
If you’re not sure what I mean by this, let me explain where I’m going with this analogy. I always hear people talk about how they just want to get on the same page with their spouse and then things would go better. This sounds like such a nice thought, and I know we all mean well when we say it, but the truth is that this thought holds us back and here is why…
The phrase “on the same page” is usually kind of a sneaky way of saying that we want our spouse to get on our page. Seriously...let’s just admit that. If we just wanted to be on the same page, we could just get on our partner’s page. Poof! Problem solved! Wrap that one up and put a bow on it. We’re on the same page. :)
Can you see the issue here? When a problem comes up, you probably don’t want to get on your spouse's “page” because you think your way of thinking and dealing with things is better. And they think the same thing. If we go into a discussion with the goal of “getting on the same page” we could literally never solve anything. We are all just too different. Every person has their own approach to life and their own way of thinking. Even if they tried to think like you, and to do things the way you want them done, it just wouldn’t come out right to your satisfaction.
People are super bad at trying to be someone they’re not just to please someone else.
To clarify this, let’s relate it to a specific issue that I think is common in marriage. You both have different opinions about how much stuff is enough, and how much is too much. One of you likes to save stuff “in case you need it someday,” and one of you just wants to get rid of basically everything to make life simple and keep the house clean.
If we have to get on the same page here, which page is it going to be? Are you going to be on the “keep all the clutter” page, or the “keep things simple” page? We could spend forever debating this, or we could decide that we both have good reasons for what we think, and then try to come up with a solution we can both live with. In this case, it might be that hubby gets to decide what lives in the garage, and mom gets to decide how many toys and kids clothes we are going to keep and maintain. Or maybe we get to keep all the stuff one partner wants to keep as long as it fits in the space we have available and doesn’t take over the house.
Right now you might be thinking...that’s fine except my spouse insists that we do things his way. Or I just don’t agree with how my spouse thinks we should do x, y or z…You might even be thinking, Nice idea, but with my partner it’s “My way or the highway.” They won’t give in on anything!
But here’s the thing...No two people will ever be perfectly aligned on anything. Marriage will always require give and take and working through differences. The goal isn’t to get your spouse to think and act like you, but to get to a place where you can function and manage your home and family in a way that works. And hopefully you can have fun and enjoy life in the process. Isn’t that why we even get married in the first place? Because we want to build a life with someone else? Because we think that two heads are better than one, and because we want to have someone to love?
So how do we handle the inevitable differences that come up in marriage? Differences about common things like….
Money management (Check out the podcast link below from the time my husband and I got coached on this.)
Kid’s chores, responsibilities, and discipline
Dividing household responsibilities
Intimacy
Spirituality
Healthy lifestyles
Social needs
How to spend free time
What if we stopped saying we “need to be on the same page”, and shifted our thinking to being “on the same team”?
This is a subtle mindset shift, but it really can help when we think about it this way. Being on the same team means working for the win together, but playing different positions. Really recognizing and believing that you both want your team (your family) to win at life and be successful, will help you relax and enjoy the game a whole lot more. Thinking this way makes it easier to give your spouse space to do things their own way, rather than trying to get them to do and see things your way.
I don’t think any of us go into marriage thinking that we are going to marry someone just like us. That would be so boring, and yet that is kind of what we’re wanting when we want to be on the same page with someone. Acknowledging that your spouse has their own experiences, opinions, and good ideas, makes marriage so much more fun! Be open to what your spouse has to say about parenting, finances, housework, intimacy and your social lives. Think about being a team player and see how things start to change.
Here are 3 suggestions that can help when you want your partner to be a little different than they are. :)
Remember that opposites attract for a reason. You both bring great qualities to the marriage, and in most aspects of marriage there really isn’t a right or wrong way to do things. Life is so much more fun when you look for the good and emphasize the positive! Most marriages have one partner who is more organized, more patient, more energetic, etc. Play to your own strengths and look for the strengths that your partner brings to the marriage as well.
Next time your mind goes to all the things your partner isn’t doing that you would like them to do, refocus your thoughts on some things that they do really well. There are probably even things they always do and you never have to think about. For me that’s yard work. I love a perfectly manicured yard, but I have no talent for mowing and edging lawns. (Let’s be honest, I’ve never tried to develop that talent lol…) My husband and sons have taken care of the yard for 30+ years and I am so thankful for that!
Try injecting some humor into the situation to help you feel less frustrated. For instance if your hubby doesn’t ever even think about cleaning the bathroom and you want it cleaned every week, you can say to yourself Good thing he has me. I’m a bathroom cleaning ninja wonder woman! Even better, you can say to yourself Good thing I have me. I can take care of the bathrooms no sweat. I don’t need to wait around for anyone else to do it. Whatever the situation, empower and encourage yourself with some humorous and helpful thoughts instead of spinning out in what’s bugging you.
The coolest thing about all of this is that you don’t even have to wait around for your partner to do anything differently. Instead, you can work on directing your thoughts in a new way so you feel less irritation and frustration. I’m not saying to sweep serious issues under the rug, but let’s be honest, a lot of what we get tied up in knots about is just little everyday things. We can choose not to sweat the small stuff so we can feel more inner peace and enjoy and appreciate our partner more.
XOXO
Rachel
