Internal vs. External Conflict
Speak the truth in love. (Eph. 4:15)
Do you ever find yourself having an argument with someone but it’s all in your head? Like you really want to tell them this, that, and the other, but you just don’t have the courage or know quite what to say? Or maybe you’re just plain worried that they will be upset with you if you bring up an issue but you have something important on your mind.
What I’m describing is internal conflict and it happens to all of us. I don’t know about you, but I often find myself weighing the consequences of just talking things out with someone vs. just letting it go and keeping the peace.
But here’s the problem that comes up when we don’t speak up…we get stuck in our head with all kinds of internal conflict, which is almost as difficult to deal with as any uncomfy conversation.
I think we’ve all had experiences where we wanted to talk to someone but we weren’t able to communicate well and we just ended up with a bigger mess than we started with. Sometimes it seems easier just to not say anything at all if that means starting an argument with someone important in our lives. An argument, or any kind of conversation that doesn’t go well, is what I would call external conflict. This can be so hard to deal with that sometimes we will avoid a friend or family member altogether just to avoid having a hard conversation with them.
This is when it comes down to a choice between internal and external conflict. We can keep spinning in our heads with all the things we would like to say to someone, or we can spend our time figuring out how best to communicate in a way that is supportive to the relationship. If we decide we want to open up so we don’t have to keep everything bottled up, here are 5 tips that can help:
Don’t worry about the person liking you or what you have to say. Too often we want to say what needs to be said, and we want the other person to like it. But the truth is that if they were going to like it, we would probably have already said it. But when we don’t say something that needs to be said, we end up with a lot of resentment and don’t like ourselves or the other person in the relationship.
Speak the truth in love. (Eph 4:15) This is a scripture that I like to keep in mind whenever I know I am going to have to say something difficult. It really helps me focus on love for myself and love for the other person. If I didn’t love them or care about the relationship, I wouldn’t need to talk to them. To me speaking the truth in love means calmly sharing what is on my mind from a place of love and respect before I get to a place where a bunch of bottled up thoughts and emotions come spilling out and it’s not pretty!
Always put self-respect first. Ok I know this sounds a little selfish, but it’s truly essential unless you want to have a lot of internal conflict. If there is ever a situation that is imposing on things like your time, your money, your needs or your feelings, you need to speak up or risk a bigger issue down the road. We can only deny our own needs and feelings for so long before we start to resent the other person. It becomes much harder to communicate lovingly when we’ve let resentment build over a long period of time because we think the other person will resent us for speaking our mind.
Make it about you, not them. When you go into a conversation focusing on yourself and your needs, rather that saying what the other person is doing wrong, it’s hard for the other person to argue or get defensive. The truth is you can’t change them and you don’t need to. Staying focused on what you need to do for you will make for a more productive conversation and help you avoid blaming others for your problems.
Believe that you can find a way to say what you need to say in a positive way. This is where the mindset piece comes in. Setting the intention to speak from a place of love and respect for yourself and the other person will really help open up your mind about how to start the conversation you want to have. When you believe that there is a loving way to communicate you will gain more confidence to speak your mind.
To give an example of a time when I didn’t do all of the above, I’ll share an incriminating story about myself. Years ago I had a friend that I really liked but there was some stuff going on with our kids that was really bugging me. Because this was a close friendship and I didn’t want to stir the pot, I just kept my mouth shut until a day when something finally happened that set me off. And man did I let her have it! I lost all my “stuff” and made it really personal about her and her parenting and her kids. Ugh! I feel sick just thinking about it to this day.
Almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth I felt terrible and asked for forgiveness, which thankfully she gave me. But if I had just calmly addressed the situation sooner, I would have likely avoided saying so many personal and hurtful things.
This can show up in other ways like with money and time. This might look like spending money we don’t have or don’t want to spend just to please someone else even if it’s not in our budget. Or it might look like saying yes to babysitting when we want to say no, or helping out with a volunteer project that we don’t really want to do. When we do things like that often enough, the internal conflict starts to build and then we have a lot of stress because we don’t want to stress someone else by saying no to their needs.
I could go on, but I hope you get the idea and are seeing some applications to your own life. Next time you are finding yourself having conversations, and even full-blown arguments, with another person inside your head, stop and ask yourself if you want to continue having this internal conflict. Do you want to do that, or do you want to figure out a good way to talk things out? Talking things out with honesty and love can actually create a lot of understanding and empowerment in a relationship.
Sometimes its just a matter of finding the right way to lead into a conversation. Something like “It’s hard for me to tell you this because I think you might be upset, but I need to talk to you about…”
I have just one more thought to offer about this, and it is actually to avoid using the word conflict, even if it’s just in your mind. (Yes, I just said to avoid using the word I just used multiple times in this post lol.) The reason I say this is because if you go into a conversation thinking you're going to have a conflict with someone because you’re bringing up a sensitive topic, you might be less likely to say what needs to be said. Instead of conflict, try thinking about communication. Thinking about good communication can be way less intimidating than thinking about conflict. Words matter, and choosing the right words can make all the difference in our ability to communicate with love and respect for ourselves and others.
Internal conflict vs. external conflict communication. You always have a choice.
Love you mommas! Keep up the good work!
XOXO
Rachel
