How to solve all your child’s problems
I hope you got excited when you saw the title of this post because I’m going to tell you something that can honestly change your life. I’m going to tell you how to solve all of your kids problems…sort of…Maybe I should have said” here’s how to make it feel like your kids' problems are solved.” So here it is…
Stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on your response to the problem.
Yep, that’s it. That is the best thing I can tell you that will give you the most relief when your kids are going through problems. (And if you have kids, they have problems no matter how old they are.)
And here’s the amazing thing…when you stop focusing so much on your kid’s problems and start focusing on how you want to show up for your kids when they have problems, it can actually help your kid. It can help give your child the confidence that you know that they will be ok. You will essentially model for them how to react to problems calmly rather than blow them up and magnify them with both of you stressing about them.
Here’s what I mean by this.
When our kids are angry and lashing out, sometimes we react and get angry with them.
When our kids have a meltdown we sometimes lose our cool and freak out at them, essentially having a meltdown ourselves.
When they hurt their sibling, sometimes we get rough with them, yell at them, and maybe even spank them. Hurting them definitely does not teach them not to hurt their siblings.
When they disobey, we can easily overreact and end up getting out of line ourselves.
When they feel hopeless, we can also lose hope for things to improve.
When we are embarrassed by how our kids are acting, we feel shame and then we want to find someone to blame. We might blame ourselves, our child or other influences like friends or society.
I hope from those few examples you can think of some of your own scenarios with the problems your kids are having. It is really amazing when we look at how we react to our kid’s problems and how often we start mirroring what is going on for them. But here’s the thing…
Our worrying will never fix their worrying.
Our sadness will not make them less sad. (There is a difference between compassion and empathy and taking on our child’s emotions.)
Getting frustrated with their frustration will not make them less frustrated. (Have you ever tried to help a child with their homework when they weren’t getting it? Maybe they didn’t even seem to be really trying and then you end up getting mad at them? That’s what I’m talking about. We’ve all been there. ;)
So what is the answer to this situation where we get so involved in our kid’s problems that our own emotions get out of control and we end up just as frustrated, sad, confused, and angry as they are?
What I suggest is to look at what’s going on for you. Just pause and consider how you are feeling when they are having all the feelings about what’s going on for them. What is going through your head, and what are you feeling in your body?
Did you know that feelings are called feelings because we “feel” them? We actually have a physical response to every thought that creates a feeling in our bodies. For example, when a problem feels very heavy to me, I actually feel pressure in my chest as if someone were sitting on me. It feels hard to breathe. That heavy feeling really gets my attention, which helps me pay attention to my thoughts in that moment.
Here’s what this might look like for you. Let’s say your child is having a lot of anxiety and meltdowns. Depending on their age, this might look like temper tantrums if they are younger, or anger or withdrawal if they are older. When they get anxious and react to it, your first response might be to get angry or to worry about them. That is very normal and we all do it, but can you see how it could actually compound the problem?
In situations like this, you and your child can start to feel better if you can recognize that you are getting worked up right along with them. Just being aware that this is happening gives you the opportunity to calm yourself down so that you can better help your child. When you are calm you may start to see patterns happening, such as a young child always melting down at meal time or bedtime. Maybe you’ll notice that your older child gets stressed out in social situations. Some kids will tell you what is going on, and some will yell at you and you will have to read between the lines to figure out what is happening for them.
Remember that what we focus on expands. I don’t think any of us want to expand upon problems. So what do we do? I suggest taking the focus off of them and their problems and deciding how you want to show up for them. Problems are a part of life, and if you have multiple children, you have a lot of opportunities to be worried, stressed, anxious and even scared to death about what is happening with them.
Getting present with yourself and managing your own emotions will model for your kids how to handle problems. If they see that you don’t get too worried or sad about their problems, it can actually help give them the confidence that things will be ok for them. Another benefit of staying calm is that you are better able to focus on the other people and priorities in your life, not just the child that is acting out and having problems. If you feel like one of your children takes 80% of your parenting energy, you are probably giving all the attention and energy to their problems. This is an easy trap to fall into, and we can even make it worse by thinking about the child constantly, talking to our spouse and our friends about it all the time, and putting all the focus on trying to fix our child.
The truth is we can’t fix anyone else. We are really pretty terrible at fixing other people, and we end up breaking ourselves trying. The best gift we can give our kids and ourselves is to fix us.
Get calm, change focus, and notice the good things that are happening, not just the bad ones. Believe that there is a solution and that things have a way of working themselves out. God truly is in the details of our lives and He loves those kids too and is guiding them on their path whether they see it or not.
If you want some help seeing how you are getting caught up in your kid’s problems, you can now sign up to get coached by me for free. I’ll help you get awareness of your thoughts so you can find the best way to show up for your kids when they are going through all the ups and downs of life. To set up a time, just email me: rachel@mom-mindset.com
Mommas, you can do this! You really are the best mom for your kids and God sent them to you for a reason.
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XOXO
Rachel
