3 lessons learned from a 33 year marriage
If you had known me when I was younger you probably would have voted me least likely to grow up and be a traditional housewife with a big family and a 30+ year marriage. Tbh, I’m not even sure how that all happened to me, but here I am with a family of 19 and just having celebrated 33 years of marriage.
When we were out for our anniversary lunch we talked about some of the lessons we’ve learned in our years of marriage. I wanted to share a few of mine with you and I’d love to hear yours as well, whether you are married or not.
Criticism is the great relationship killer. Words of praise, love, and appreciation give life to your marriage. When Mark and I were first married we decided that we would never speak an unkind word, even in jest (or jokingly). For the most part, we have stuck to that and it has been a huge strength to our marriage. This doesn’t mean we never argue or disagree, but when we do, we avoid being mean to each other and making it personal. With the person you love and chose to be with, being the one safe person that they can be their authentic self with is a beautiful gift to give them. It’s so easy when we are so close to each other to notice the perceived flaws in each other, to nag and be demanding. But showing up in those ways in marriage will never improve your spouse, and you will probably feel pretty bad too when you are feeling critical and judgemental of your spouse. When you need to communicate something that might come across in a judgemental way, ask yourself how you can speak the truth in love. Approaching communication with love for yourself and love for your spouse will help you find the right words to say what you need to say.
You are the best person to meet your own needs. Your partner cannot compliment you enough, encourage you enough, support you enough, or do anything else enough for you to meet your needs if you don’t do those things for yourself. If you need compliments, compliment yourself. If you need positive encouragement, don’t wait for your spouse. Recognize and appreciate the positive things in yourself. If you need support to do something, tell yourself you are capable and get going. You might wait forever for your spouse to say just the right thing that you need to hear or to pitch in and offer support at just the right moment. But you can always be there for yourself. This can be kind of a hard concept to grasp, but it is so empowering when you catch on to it. When you feel confident in meeting your own needs, anything and everything your spouse does is just an added bonus.
Sometimes silence is golden. It’s taken me a long time to learn this one, but what I mean by this is that I have learned that my husband is a very capable person with his own way of doing things. I don’t need to tell him which way to turn when we’re going somewhere. He doesn’t need my input on how to do his job. And he doesn’t need to hear how I would have used a different approach to something like parenting or handling a problem. Unless there is some huge compelling reason to insert my opinion on something, I just try to keep my mouth shut and let Mark be himself. We all have our own way of doing things based on our personality and our experience, and we usually have a good reason for doing what we are doing. Unless our partner asks for our help or input, they probably won’t be very receptive to it.
Bonus tip: Give your spouse wings to fly. My husband has been the absolute best at this and it has meant the world to me! What I mean by this is that he has (almost) always been willing to go along with my ideas and let me explore the things that interest me outside of the family. He did this 18 years ago when I wanted to start investing in real estate, and he did it a few months ago when I wanted to go to life coach training. He’s done it in many times and ways since then, but those are a few examples where he was willing to believe in me and take some risks with me that have paid off in various ways. And more importantly, they have let me become more of who I am and brought me a huge amount of personal fulfillment. This won’t always be easy or comfortable and there may be times when something your spouse wants to do is just a huge no for you. (I know I would say no way if my husband wanted to live off the grid in a tiny house or something like that!:) But if it is something that they want to do that lets them grow in new ways, you might just find that you get a happier more well-rounded partner, and that is a beautiful thing to witness. We all only get one life. And from my perspective now, I don’t think it seems all that long. We all need the freedom to explore new ideas and possibilities in our lives within reason.
Ok so that was 4 and the last one was more advice than a life lesson haha! Consider that a bonus. ;) I’d love to know what resonates with you and some of the lessons you’ve learned in your marriage/life partnership. If you would like a free coaching session to talk about some aspect of your marriage, just send me an email at rachel@mom-mindset.com and we’ll set up a time to meet on Zoom.
And as always, if you enjoyed this post please share using the sharing links and subscribe so you never miss an update.
XOXO
Rachel
