People are not problems
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”
I have quoted that quote above many times before and there’s a reason…It’s my favorite quote about people and loving them. :) When I start to get frustrated with a problem in a relationship, it immediately calms me down when I think that thought. Also the man who said that quote seemed like the world's biggest teddy bear. He exuded and exemplified Christlike love. He is someone I aspire to be like.
But the title of this post is my favorite quote and it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately as I’ve done more and more coaching. I’ve noticed that it is pretty much universal that when there is a relationship problem, it’s coming from the thought that the other person is acting wrongly or doing something wrong in our eyes.
When we start thinking this way it is really hard to read between the lines and see why the person is acting a certain way. And it can be super hard to stay calm and problem solve rather than just react to what’s going on.
For instance, if your teenager is often grumpy and withdrawn, you might start to take it personally. It might be personal, but chances are it’s not. Chances are that they are going through some hard things and are not able to communicate openly about what’s going on for them. But as moms when we start to feel hurt and defensive, we tend to focus on what’s wrong with our kids and even want to give them consequences for their behavior.
Obviously, kids cannot act however they want regardless of what they are going through, but if we can take a step back and look at the behavior from a place of love and compassion for them, we may be able to help them out instead of potentially bringing them further down because they feel like we are upset with them. When we choose to act instead of react to our kid’s behavior it can change the way we show up around our kids, which will feel way better for us and for them.
One parenting example I think everyone can relate to is getting super upset and frustrated with our kids who won’t sit still in the grocery cart long enough for us to get a little shopping done. When we’re frustrated we tend to get snappy, try to hush the kids, and hurry along with our shopping. What we don’t usually do is take the time to stop and ask ourselves why they're acting like they are. Here’s why they’re acting like that..most kids don’t like shopping, it’s boring for them! Just like it’s boring for you when they want you to do 5-year-old things with them for hours. Another key thing I learned when I was a young mom, was that kids almost always act out when there is time pressure or social pressure. Little kids do not naturally know how to hurry or how to act out in public. They learn as they grow and we do ourselves a favor when we are patient in teaching them.
The nice thing is that being patient in situations like these actually does us both a favor because the kids learn better from a patient mom, and we feel better inside when we are being patient and understanding with our kids.
When we’re dealing with problems that people have, and they’re acting out because they have problems, letting our own frustration get in the way becomes like a barricade to solving the actual problem. If we can look past the behaviors that are bothering us, and consider the underlying problem to be solved, we can stay calm which really helps us think in problem-solving mode.
Seriously nothing gives me a brain cramp faster than trying to deal with a problem from frustration, anger, or fear. When I’m coming at a problem from those emotions I can’t think straight and I just don’t show up at my best for my kids.
When our teenagers make choices that freak us out of our minds and make us worry for their future, we naturally feel fear. When we feel fear we get into flight or fight mode. At that point, good communication quickly goes out the window and we become very reactive and often very punitive in trying to control them. If you’ve ever tried to control a teenager you know how well that works. 🤔🤪🤨 Dang it all, but they have minds of their own and a fierce need for independence. Some of them can power struggle practically to the death, so changing our focus when we are dealing with a situation with them can really de-escalate the situation faster than trying to exert our parental authority.
Next time sparks start to fly pause and think to yourself people are not problems. Never let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved. And breathe….simply taking some deep breaths has been scientifically proven to reduce stress and help us calm down.
I know you have feelings about your kid’s feelings. I know this because I have six kids and they have a lot of feelings no matter how old they get. I also have thoughts about their thoughts. But as moms instead of mirroring their emotions, we are in the best position to calmly help them work through their emotions and learn to deal with them effectively. There’s a saying that feelings that aren’t talked out are acted out. I have found that to be true, and it’s made me want to get so much better at communicating even when a simple conversation can be hard to accomplish because emotions are running high.
Marriage Coach Natalie Clay says , “Of all the emotions we can choose to feel love feels the very best.” It is absolutely true that in any given situation we can choose love and then tackle problems from a place of love.
I know it doesn’t come naturally to think of loving someone when they are not at their best. Believe me, I am just like everyone else and I can get very easily frustrated. Luckily life gives me lots of chances to work on this skill of being loving and understanding, sometimes in family life and sometimes in my work in real estate where things often get touchy because there is such big money and big emotions involved in home buying and selling. Recently I had a very challenging situation with another agent, and thinking in terms of loving people and solving problems got me and my clients through the roughest parts of that transaction and got us across the finish line.
So remember…Solve the problem, love the person. So much harder than it sounds, but worth all the effort.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please comment below or send me an email rachel@mom-mindset.com. And if you want to get coached on some problems you want to solve, go to my coaching page and sign up for a coaching session.
Hang in there, mommas! You’re doing the best and most important work in the world.
XOXO
Rachel
