How much better can you get at being a mom?
Moms, I really hope the title of this post did not inspire any mom guilt in anyone. But if it did, just hold on a minute and let me tell you what inspired me to write this post.
It was actually Jimmy Fallon the host of The Tonight Show that inspired me to write this post. Yep, Jimmy Fallon inspired me to ask myself the question How can I be a better mom? A while back, I was listening to an interview with Jimmy on How I Built This–which is one of my favorite podcasts. At the end of the interview, the host asked Jimmy what will be next for him whenever he decides to move on from The Tonight Show.
Jimmy’s answer really surprised me. He said that he loves what he’s doing so much he could see himself doing it for the rest of his life and being happy. And the question he keeps asking himself is How can I do this better? How can I make the show better? How can I get better at interviewing people? Etc.
When I heard him say that it really got me thinking about my life and the things that I do that are really important to me. The first thing that came to mind is being a mom to my six kids. That is a role I will for sure have for the rest of my life. And just like Jimmy Fallon, I want to be happy doing it and keep getting better. So now, 30 years into my career as a mom, I’m asking myself How can I get better at being a mom? What would that mean? What would that look like?
No matter how long someone has been a mom, it’s easy to get set in our ways and get into patterns of relating to our kids. But if we take some time to consider ways we could get better, we might be surprised by what kind of answers and insights might come to us.
One important thing I want to add here before we talk more about this is that when Jimmy asks himself the question of how he can make The Tonight Show better, it is with a lot of curiosity and excitement. You can tell it’s not like he thinks the show is bad and he has to keep at it until it’s decent. He absolutely loves it and he just wants to make it even better! That’s the approach I’d invite you to take when you think about this question of how to be a better mom. Try to think in terms of going from good to better, and then get really curious about how to go about it.
I love a good list so I brainstormed 3 simple ways that probably any mom can improve. These are just a few that come right to mind for me, but you may have other things that are super important for you right now. This list is just here to get you thinking about some ways that you might want to look at improving as a mom. They are the kinds of things that can always be improved no matter where we are in our motherhood journey.
Good Communication
As a coach, I see so many family issues that just boil down to problems in communication. I wish we all got more training on communication throughout our lives because it is absolutely essential, but this is one of those things that you just don’t learn in school. So if I could just give you one quick takeaway on this, it would be that sometimes the best communication is saying absolutely nothing until we have listened to what the other person has to say.
Listening with love and trying to understand the other person is probably the best communication skill we can ever learn. I promise you do not know what another person is thinking until you really take the time to listen and ask questions. (I’ve been happily married for 33 years and my husband and I still don’t think the same or see situations in the same way!) Once we have listened to what the other person has to say, we can do our best to respond without being defensive or angry. People who listen well make others feel safe and loved. And when people feel that way they will be so much more willing to share what is going on in their heart and mind.
Please don’t take this to mean that you should stay silent and sweep important issues under the rug. That’s not what I mean at all. The main problem I see in this area is that when we are upset we either tend to clam up and not say anything, or we blow up and say things we wish we hadn’t. Good communication starts with giving ourselves time to get calm and think about what we want to say before we just react to what our kids are doing. And, as I said, it’s great if we can just try to listen for understanding before we jump in and try to solve the situation.
Creating Connection
Did you know that you can feel connected to anyone no matter how connected or disconnected they feel towards you? It’s true. Connection is not created by spending time together or enjoying the same things, although that certainly helps. But the truth is connection starts with our thoughts.
Think about a celebrity like Oprah for example. People all around the world love Oprah and feel connected to her even though they have never met her. That’s because they’ve watched her on TV and they feel like she gets them. That thought creates a connection and it doesn’t require Oprah to feel connected to them in return.
In your own life, if you feel like one of your children has disconnected from you, it is so valuable to recognize that you can connect to them anytime by thinking connected thoughts. Try on some thoughts like, Even though we don’t talk much or spend much time together I still love them so much. I’m always going to stay connected to my child no matter what. Those are the kinds of thoughts that create connection, and they are always available to us no matter what the circumstances of our relationship may be.
You can open up your mind to ideas by asking yourself How can I create connection with my child even if they don’t choose to connect with me? Some things I have found that can help are learning about the things they like (even if we don’t really care much for them) so we can have an informed conversation on the topic. Also, being as open as possible to hearing about their opinions and experiences, that may be very different than ours, can really build bonds in a relationship. Those are just ideas to start with but you know your child best. Trust yourself that you can find ways to connect if you really want to.
Self-talk
Moms, how is your self-talk? Do you tell yourself you are a good mom even when you make mistakes or aren’t at your best? Your self-talk is your #1 best tool to help you become a better mom. We simply cannot rely on our kids or our spouse to tell us we are good moms, we have to believe it ourselves. If we don’t, it really doesn’t matter what our kids, partners, or best friend says. No one can compliment or encourage us enough for us to feel good about ourselves if we are beating ourselves up inside. The reverse is also true. If we love and encourage ourselves, we will have much less need for validation from others. Even if our kids are screaming that they hate us, we will be able to handle it if we believe we are good moms who are trying our best.
I hope you won’t use this list or your own thoughts about being a better mom against yourself. No mom guilt allowed here! The fact that you even took the time to read this post shows that you care about learning how to improve as a mom! That means a lot and it shows that you are already an awesome mom!
As for me I loved this idea so much that I decided to make the word “better” my word of the year. I keep asking myself the question How can I get better at this? in every area of my life, not just my mom life. Even when I am doing something like working out, I’ll ask myself, How can I make this a better workout? When I’m writing, I’m asking myself How can I express myself better? And the list goes on. I’ve really enjoyed asking myself this question in the same way Jimmy Fallon asks himself that question about The Tonight Show. (If you’d like to read more about choosing a word of the year, here’s a blog post I wrote about it.)
Getting back to motherhood, it is never too early and never too late to become a better parent. No matter what stage of motherhood we are in, there are ways to improve as a mom if we bring intentionality to the process. If you’ve ever watched The Tonight Show you probably know that one of the ways Jimmy keeps making it better and better is by making it more fun. I hope you will have fun with this question and really get inspired about how to be the best mom you can to the kids you have-not some ideal picture-perfect kids that don’t exist. Since you’re in this mom thing for life, why not juice all the fun and happiness possible out of it for you and your kids?
I’d love to hear what comes to mind for you when you think of being a better mom. Feel free to comment or email me at rachel@mom-mindset.com.
