How to get more out of your marriage

A while back (in the days before Covid put an end to these things) my husband Mark and I attended a marriage coaching workshop with my favorite Marriage Coach Natalie Clay. We have an awesome marriage, but we thought it would be fun to go and get ideas of how to make it even better. 

One thing that has really stayed with me that I’ve tried to implement is what Natalie calls her favorite marriage “hack.” 

Natalie often gives people this simple advice... 

Whatever you’re thinking or wishing your partner would do, you do that thing. 

Basically what she means by this is instead of waiting for your spouse to change and become a different person that thinks and acts like you, take the initiative to make things happen that could help change your marriage for the better. 

This is such a simple idea, but it is super empowering when you do it. 

Here are some examples of how this can look…. 

If you’re wishing your spouse would notice all the work you do to support the family around the house, take time to notice and appreciate the things that they are doing. Unless your husband is a bump on a log, chances are he is doing quite a bit to support you and the family. Notice his efforts and express gratitude. This will train your mind to look for the good and emphasize the positive. 

If you wish your spouse would do the laundry or the dishes, do it yourself. You’ll get a clean house, and who knows, they might just pitch in and help once you get the ball rolling. But even if they don’t, this is a way of meeting your own needs and getting what you want. It feels great if you do it with no expectation of your spouse and no resentment. You’ll love the result, and it will feel way better than nagging your spouse about something that they are just not inclined to do. 

This same kind of idea works well for the more intangible things like connection. If you wish your spouse was more tuned in and connected with you, tune in yourself and find ways to connect. Make specific plans of things to do together that will make more opportunities for connection. 

If you think about trying to connect and your mind automatically says that your spouse doesn’t like to connect in the same ways you do, dig a little deeper and try to think of something you’d both enjoy that could provide connection. The interesting thing about connection is that when we think someone is disconnected from us, we tend to disconnect from them to protect our feelings. It can feel pretty vulnerable to seek out connection when we feel this way, but the result is worth the risk. You can start feeling more connected right away even if your spouse doesn’t do anything different. 

There are so many other great ways to use this concept! Here are a few more ideas… 

If you wish your spouse would plan a “bomb” anniversary surprise, do it yourself and you’ll get exactly what you want out of it. (Same goes for Christmas, Valentine’s Day or any other time you would like to see something awesome happen.) 

If you wish your spouse would talk to you more, think about interesting things to talk about and start up conversations. Listen to some podcasts, read some books, or learn about something they are interested in. Do whatever you can think of that will make for more exciting conversations. It’s really fun to move beyond the normal everyday stuff like the kids, the housework, and your job. 

If you want to have more fun, be the fun partner you want to have!

Plan some fun stuff and try to be lighthearted, easy going, and energetic whenever you can. 

If you want more adventure, be adventurous! If your spouse isn’t really the adventurous type, maybe there is a way to do something adventurous on their level. Brainstorm some ideas and see what you can get your hubby to go along with. :) 

My word of the year this year is “fun,” so I’m trying to be more fun and have more fun. Mark and I sometimes have different ideas about what’s fun, but I can usually talk him into going along with my ideas. I also like to think about what’s fun for him and try to do more of those things. He loves to vacation, so at least I know if I come up with vacation ideas I can always get him on board! 

What are you wanting more of in your marriage? Maybe that is something you haven’t even thought about. Marriages can go from ok to great, and from great to beyond awesome, if you bring some intentionality to them. 

In marriage it’s so easy to get into patterns of relating and just let things coast along as they are. But here at Mom Mindset, I’m all about bringing a fresh mindset to every aspect of your life as a mom, and marriage is a huge part of that! 

A new way of thinking - like this marriage hack I just shared - can seriously bring some magic into your marriage, and it doesn’t cost a thing. (Which makes it way cheaper than therapy!) What it takes to develop a new mindset is practice and a willingness to change your perceptions and expectations. Get connected with your spouse, bring the fun, do the job you wish your spouse would do, and see how things change. Marriage is such a precious relationship. It’s worth your best effort to do what you can to make your marriage better tomorrow than it is today.

XOXO

Rachel