The #1 thing you must do to control anxiety
Do you know what I’m going to say here??? You guessed it…lay on a warm deck on the beach like the woman in my stock photo! Ok, not that, but doesn’t that look nice? I’m pretty sure that would help but what I really want to say is…the number one thing you must control to control anxiety is your mind. Tell me something I don’t know, right?! But stay with me because I have some thoughts for you, and some questions to ask yourself when you’re feeling anxious, that I really think could help you make some progress in dealing with your anxiety if that’s an ongoing problem for you.
Because here’s the thing…the main cause of anxiety is worrying about and trying to control everything outside of you. It’s caused by our minds constantly racing to the worst-case scenario about things that could happen in the future, worrying about what others think of us, worrying about something we might have said and how awkward it sounded. Many of us worry about social situations and want to avoid them because they are just.so.stressful.
Most of you here are moms and I know you sometimes worry about your kids…what’s going on with them and what the future holds for them. Maybe you’re thinking you’re not good enough and that you’re failing in your mothering efforts.
You might be worried about money and not having enough…
Or politics and the state of the world…
There could be a million different things that tie you up in knots and cause you to have what I call “bad butterflies”, which for me is kind of a feeling of pressure in my chest or kind of a dropping feeling in my stomach like I get when I go on a roller coaster.
But here’s the thing, most of the time the things we are worrying about or thinking about is outside of us and outside of our control. Trying to control the world around us and the people in it is a lost cause and here’s why…
You can never be perfect enough for everyone to like you and approve of you.
No one can convince you that you are a good enough mom if you don’t believe it yourself.
There’s no guarantee that your kids will be safe and well-adjusted.
Jobs can be lost, people will let you down, you will be awkward at times, people will have opinions about you, etc., etc., etc.
As long as you think you need to control the future, other people, and anything outside of you, your anxiety will be relentless.
So what’s the answer? I don’t profess to know the whole answer, but I know one thing: How you think about things matters, and I know a few thoughts that really help when I’m feeling anxious that I believe will help you too. Here are a couple of my go-to thoughts:
I will always take care of myself and my family no matter what.
I will always love myself no matter what.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it's not the end.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.
These kinds of thoughts and others like them can really help you calm yourself down and help you face almost any situation with confidence.
If other people hurt you and let you down, it’s ok because you’ve got your own back.
If you lose your job, it’s ok because you know you will find a new one because you always take care of yourself and your family.
If someone is thinking poorly of you, that’s ok because you love yourself and know that you are doing the best that you can.
I promise when you come to believe and understand that you can control your mind and the way you show up in your life, you will be ok so much more of the time. Note: I did not say you have control over life. I said you have control over how you show up in your own life. Other people are going to do things that affect you, and life is never perfect, but you always get to decide how you will react and respond to everything that happens in the course of life.
One other thing I would offer you when you find yourself feeling worried and anxious is to ask yourself some questions to help uncover the source of your anxiety. Some questions I find helpful are:
Who am I trying to please?
Is there anything I need to say that I am not saying?
Am I telling the truth about who I am and where I am at?
Am I afraid of disappointing someone and letting them down?
Am I giving my power to others by letting them upset, anger, and hurt me?
Do I believe that others hold the power over my future?
Is there some way I believe I’m not measuring up, either to my own or others’ expectations?
Worry and anxiety are part of life and we all experience them. The question is whether we let the worry overcome us and slow us down. I remember hearing author Liz Gilbert who wrote Big Magic say something along the lines of, worry can come along with me wherever I go but it sits in the passenger seat, it doesn’t drive the car. I love that thought and that is how I try to live my life.
Whenever life is getting me down and I’m really stressed out I remind myself that I like to have fun and be happy. That is how I want to live my life, worried or not. And most of the time, that thought alone is enough to boost my spirits and help me put things in perspective. I never cease to be amazed at the power of even one good thought! And I find that no matter how stressed I am, there is always something good in the situation and a reason to be happy and grateful.
Another practice that can be very helpful when your anxiety is getting to you is using mindfulness techniques. I won’t go into that here, but here is a link if you want some really good info on that topic.
If you have chronic anxiety I encourage you to get professional help. Therapy and medication can do wonders to help you get on your feet and get to a point where you have more control over your thoughts more of the time.
But if you are mostly dealing with everyday worries, stresses, and frustrations, coaching can be a huge help. Even with all the coaching and mindset tools that I know, I find it so helpful to talk to a coach when I’m feeling worried or stressed. When I get coached and get more awareness of my thinking, I usually feel so much lighter and more capable of tackling all the ups and downs of my life.
If you want to schedule a time to talk about what’s worrying you, please feel free to go to my coaching page to learn more about my programs.
I hope nothing I have said here has been triggering or seemed insensitive. I know that learning to manage your mind is not easy, but I know that we can make a lot of progress if we are willing to try different approaches until we find what works for us.
And as always, if this post helped you please share it, comment, and sign up to get updates whenever there is new content on the blog.
Hang in there, mommas, you’re doing great!
XOXO
Rachel
