3 ways to have a stronger relationship with your kids

As moms there’s so much we have to do for our kids, so much that we want them to know, learn, and do. Sometimes we can get really caught up in the duties of being a mom and miss opportunities to really strengthen our relationships with our kids. A lot of our interactions with them can become transactional. We find ourselves always giving instructions…“Do this, do that, come to dinner, do your chores, do your homework, be nice to your sister etc.”

All of those teaching moments are important and necessary, but what lasts long after they leave the home is the relationship that we’ve developed with them. It’s been said that if you grow close to your kids when they are young, they will stay close to you when they are old. I think we all desire to develop lasting, loving relationships with our kids so that when they are grown we have a bond that lasts.  Luckily, it’s totally possible to develop a close personal relationship with our kids while we also do the business of mothering and teaching our kids all that they need to know.

Before I give you a few tips on creating stronger relationships, I want to tell you something about relationships you may not have thought about before. Did you know that relationships only exist in our minds? What I think about my child, how I relate to them, and my perception of our relationship, is all in my head. Our relationship means something entirely different to them. Kind of crazy to think about right? Who knew relationships were a mindset thing?

The good news about this is that you can create any relationship you want to by thinking about your children in a way that helps you feel closer to them and love them more. They are going to keep being the same people, but you can change how you think about them, and that will change how you feel towards them. Taking deliberate action with the intention of strengthening your relationship with your child can really help change your thoughts about them for the better. 

Here are 3 suggestions to help you improve your relationship with your child. Do yourself a favor and commit to doing at least one of these suggestions before you quit reading this blog and go on with your life. :)

1. Find touch points.

The concept of touchpoints is used by companies to connect with their customers in various ways such as social media and  email marketing. Companies look for touch points to help them  reach their customers wherever they are on their “customer journey”. Companies do a lot of research to figure out their customers' likes and dislikes, their pain points, where they like to hang out, etc.

You can use this idea to find points of connection with your child anytime throughout the day, or whenever you have an opportunity to interact with them. Knowing their likes and dislikes and their personality can help you see ways to have positive interactions with them that go beyond the normal day-to-day stuff of parenting. 

For younger kids this might look like taking time to read their favorite book to them even though you are busy trying to get dinner on the table. My grandson loves to get on Facebook Messenger with me and “make funny faces”-meaning do effects like making our heads into tacos, or putting on glamorous makeup with butterflies swirling around our heads. It’s such a simple little thing that only takes a few minutes, but it bridges the 1000 miles between us and makes us both laugh and smile. 

With older kids sending them a text just to say hi, or sharing a funny gif is a super easy way to have a quick moment of connection. (There are gifs for every popular movie, TV show, phrase or saying, basically anything you can think of.) You can also send them a message if something you see reminds you of them, or just to give them some praise or encouragement anytime during the day. If they’ve got a test coming up, or there’s a class they are dreading, some positivity from you could really help them through.

Tip: Because it’s sometimes hard to remember things about your kids, like their favorite color or candy bar,  I suggest keeping a note in your phone to help you remember some little details about them, like whether they like plain or peanut M&M's. It can be fun to surprise your kids with something for no other reason than just because you know they will love it. You can also jot down gift ideas for birthdays and Christmas since those can be so hard to think of in the moment!

2. Spend time playing together

Anytime you can, get on your kid’s level and do what they like to do. Having fun together is one of the most bonding things you can do for a relationship. Especially when a relationship seems strained, look for ways to connect that take off the pressure. Going to movies together is great because you don’t even have to talk, and as a bonus you can eat movie theater popcorn (my favorite thing lol).

Any form of fun or entertainment, anything that gets you out of the day-to-day stuff like homework and chores, can create a positive atmosphere for connection. Try out a new restaurant or food truck, go to a concert or play. Heck, if your kid wants to jump out of an airplane, I say do it if you can. (If you’re not quite up for that, you can always just go along and cheer them on.) 

I just mentioned a bunch of things that cost money, but there are lots of ideas that cost little to no money. When my kids were little, they loved library story time, riding bikes, going to the park, feeding ducks, and throwing rocks in the river by our house. 

Other ideas for littles are things like playing with playdough, painting with watercolors, cooking together, playing games like Go Fish and Candyland, blowing bubbles, building with blocks, swinging in a swing...there are dozens of simple ways to have fun that don’t take much time or cost much money.

 Probably my best tip is to go out in nature. Kids can be happy for days just being outdoors. Years ago we made the mistake of buying a really crappy RV, which just about made us go broke with the repairs it always needed. But the good thing that came out of it was that we went to some places we never would have gone in our minivan. I learned that our kids were way happier in a National Park than in any theme park, and admission is practically free! (Take that, Disneyland!) Find places near your home to get out and explore. Look on Pinterest for ideas and you’ll probably be amazed at all the great places you can go close to home, and most of them will probably be free.

3. Let them get to know you

We want our kids to share their thoughts and feelings and what’s going on with them, but do we do that? Sometimes as moms we almost forget our own identities and interests. We don’t talk much about ourselves, or even think much about ourselves sometimes. But I say it is great for kids to see their parents doing things they love, and being open about their lives (to an extent that is age appropriate). Tell them interesting stuff or boring stuff, but just tell them more about you. 

The more we open up to other people and let them know who we are, the more we can have a real relationship with them. 

One thing that is great to share is stories about younger you. Kids especially love stories about when you were their same age and felt the same way they are feeling, or went through similar experiences to theirs.

Recently I read my kids a couple letters that I wrote to my husband while he was serving a 2 year mission for our church. We had a good laugh because I said in one of my letters that I didn’t want to rush into anything when he got home, but then we got engaged 10 days after he got home!  (But hey, it’s hard to argue with over 3 decades of marriage since then!)

Another thing that was fun to see in those letters was that I had so many of the same habits and personality traits that I still have, like spending too much money and falling asleep in movies. Apparently some things never change!

Do you have scrapbooks, journal entries, or things you did in school that you could share with your kids to help them know you better? They will love hearing about your high school relationships, or things you did like sports, plays, or student government.

Tip: Don’t be afraid to talk about your mistakes and bad choices too. Sometimes kids find their parents unapproachable because they think we are perfect because they only see the grown-up version of us. They don’t need to know all about your past, but knowing that you made mistakes and came out ok can really give them hope and encouragement about their own ability to succeed. 

Also don’t be afraid to talk about your strengths and what you do well. Showing confidence in yourself will give them a confidence boost too!

Finding touch points, working and playing together, and letting your kids get to know you are all great ways to build strong and lasting relationships. Doing these things with the intention of building your relationship with your child will make these moments even more fun and meaningful.

What are some of the best ways you’ve found to connect with your kids? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below, or you can email me at rachel@mom-mindset.com. 

XOXO

Rachel