Teens and trust: Finding a balance that works

If you’re finding yourself at odds with your teen, I bet this is one of the core issues:

Trust.

I hear this from so many moms, and I have experienced it so much with my own teens, I can confidently tell you that no parent gets through the teenage years without some arguments over the issues surrounding trust and freedom.

Here’s how this usually comes up…Mom and Dad try to set some limits on things like phone use, dating, curfews, grades, or using the car, and the kid immediately gets mad and defensive and says “You don’t trust me.”

While this is about as logical as a toddler saying “You don’t trust me.” when his parents take away a choking hazard, I think it is the best way the teens know how to express their frustration about having limits. It kind of goes right to the heart for us parents and we start saying things like “I trust you but it’s my job to keep you safe.” This conversation never seems to really go anywhere productive. That’s why I wanted to write this blog post to help you navigate these kind of conflicts that seem to be inevitable in the teen years.

So if you’re finding yourself in the thick of this issue right now, take a deep breath and relax. This is normal and it is OK. There are some very good reasons why this happens. The desire for trust and freedom is a very important part of a teen’s developmental process. After all, in a few short years they are going to be expected to be independent adults, making their own decisions and living their lives as they see fit. You may not think they are even considering the future, and they may not even be conscious of it themselves , but they start to really feel a strong need to exert their independence sometime in about the junior high years.

So here is the thing that is at the core of the conflict that you may not have realized.

Parents and teens have almost opposite goals.

Teens value freedom, independence, and  excitement. This means they want to go out with the friends they like who make them feel accepted-not necessarily the friends you would choose for them .They don’t want to go to bed at “a reasonable hour”. They might like extracurricular activities more than their regular schoolwork. They will probably not prioritize their time the way you think they should. And they will likely be very resistant to any input or direction coming from you.

And guess what parents value? Parents value family time and closeness, limits on behavior, and responsibility.

While they want to spread their wings and fly, we want to keep them in the nest.

We want to keep them close to us and make sure they are safe. And while all of this makes perfect sense to us, to them it can feel like constant nagging and can really create a rift in our relationships with our teens. Even the sweetest of children can get really bugged at you if they feel like you don’t trust them and you are putting unnecessary restrictions on them. 

So what do you do?

Obviously you are not going to cut them loose at the age of 14, or even at the age of 18, before they’ve even graduated from high school. Don’t there need to be reasonable rules and expectations in place so that they get through the teenage years safely?

Absolutely yes!

You need to be a parent and do what you think is best for each individual child. It is your parental responsibility to set appropriate guidelines and do what you can to protect them from mistakes and bad choices that could seriously impact their future. I think the secret lies in how you approach the issue. I have a few suggestions that I think can really help you get prepared to deal with this issue in a way that can actually build a relationship of trust between you and your teen, rather than drive a wedge between you. The trick is to remember that you are the adults and they are the kids. Act accordingly, and expect them to do the same. ;)

Here are 5 suggestions to help you deal with your teen’s need for freedom and your need for rules and responsibility:

1-Decide in advance about age appropriate guidelines and expectations from the ages of 13 through high school graduation.  

You’re going to be confronting issues like going out with friends, hanging around with older kids in school activities and work settings, curfews, dating relationships, grades and schoolwork, extracurricular activities, social media and phone usage, and driving. Talk to your spouse about how you want to handle these situations. You probably won’t always agree on age appropriate guidelines so it’s important to really listen to each other and try to decide how much you want to police your kids in these areas. At times it really is a matter of how much you are willing to follow through on the rules, so try make sure you have set rules and guidelines you are going to be able to consistently enforce. Kids are pretty quick to notice when parents aren’t serious about following through on consequences.

2-Communicate rules and limits to your kids in an open and loving way. 

Let them know how much you love them and that you have high hopes and expectations for them, but that you also understand that they might want as much freedom as possible. Let them know the terms that freedom will be given and how that will increase as they get older. And let them know the consequences for breaking the rules well in advance.

While it’s not possible to anticipate all the ways teens can come up with to get themselves into trouble, setting general guidelines for things like grades, dating, driving, and phone use will help you stay ahead of a lot of the kinds of things that cause conflict in the teen years. You can deal with the unexpected crazy things they do as they come up.(And they will come up with some crazy ones. Trust me on this one, I’ve raised 6 kids!;)

3-Understand that kids don’t have good communication skills so they are probably not going to have a nice sit down conversation with you when you want to talk about rules and responsibilities.

This is the perfect opportunity for you to act your part as an adult and help them learn to talk things out without getting upset and defensive. If we as parents can stay calm and let them express their feelings, even if they don’t do it very calmly, we can give them a valuable opportunity to help them learn to work through conflict. When they are upset, rather than reacting, try to read between the lines and understand where they are coming from. It can be hard to be patient and calm when our teens are flying off the handle, but it really helps to expect that they might get upset so you can mentally prepare for these kinds of conversations. 

4-Know that there is not one right way to parent and you can reserve the right to parent each child in the way that you think is best. 

Although you will probably have some general family rules and standards, the implementation may look different depending on the personality of each individual child. Also, depending on how many kids you have, your parenting style may change over the years. You  may become more or less strict depending on the experiences you’ve had with your older kids.

It’s important  to remember that each child is an individual. They are not their siblings and they shouldn’t be restricted unnecessarily because maybe they had a wild older sibling. On the flip side, it’s important to really tune in to your younger kids and how you need to parent them, even though you may be more relaxed if you’ve already raised a few teens. (Talking to myself here.)

5-There are going to be times when you will have to be ok with them not liking you or your rules. 

I think this might be the hardest thing in parenting. It would be so nice if our kids thanked us for giving them consequences and holding them to high standards of behavior. But they don’t. If they feel restricted, whether or not it’s justified, they are probably going to put up some resistance. They may even try to manipulate you so that you second guess your decision to give them consequences. 

If you can get to a place of confidence in your parenting where you know you are doing what is best for them, you will be better able to stay calm when your teens are flipping out because they are grounded, or can’t use the car, or you block their boyfriend’s number from their phone, or take their phone away…I could go on, but you get the picture. ;)

Finding the balance between rules and freedom

In this day and age when it is very possible to track our kids every move, it might be tempting to do that while telling ourselves we are just doing our job as parents. We can read their texts, follow them around on apps like Find My Friends and Life360, and know exactly what they are up to on social media.  I’m not going to say you shouldn’t do these things, but I think this is probably the best way to make your kids resentful towards you in a hurry. 

Teens are going to make mistakes and bad choices. Everyone does, and not just teenagers. But isn’t that how we all learn? Even as parents we are constantly learning from our mistakes and adjusting our approach as needed when we see the results of our actions. Give them the freedom to do the same in whatever way you feel is best for you and your kids.

When we mess up or freak out at them, it’s a great opportunity to model how to apologize and admit to mistakes. Saying sorry and asking for forgiveness can be so strengthening to a relationship. Never be afraid to say when you didn’t handle something well and ask for a “do-over”. I’ve done this many times and I still have an intact relationships with all my kids. :)

If I could leave you with one piece of advice it would be this…Think ahead just a few short years until your kids are in college and beyond. In those years your role will become more of a support role, and eventually it becomes almost a friend/peer role. Your grown kids can be some of your best friends in the world, and that is one of the most rewarding relationships you can have. Finding a balance between trust and freedom, and rules and responsibility when they are younger can do wonders for your relationship with them when they are older. 

And here is a little mindset help that might put your mind more at ease when you are feeling worried about their future because of their present choices. Try looking into their future and believing that things will turn out better than you could have ever imagined. The future is all in our imagination anyway, so why not imagine something AMAZING? God sent your kids to you for a reason, and you are the absolute best mom for them to help them reach their potential. 

Keep loving them. Keep trying. And try not to get too bogged down in the day-to-day stresses of raising teens. “This too shall pass”, and there is so much fun and goodness to be had in the teenage years. By putting your focus on the good things they are doing, and noticing all the ways they are growing, you will enjoy the teenage years more than you ever knew you could. And that is a good thing, because the teenage years go by so quickly! (I know you just got teary when I said that. It’s really true!) 

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Love you mommas! 

XOXO

Rachel